If great works of literature were scientific papers
Many canonical works of literature describe some form of experiment. Imagine if these books — whether epic saga, stage play, speculative fiction, satire or comedy of manners — had instead been written in the form of scientific papers.
Despite their flawed methodologies and questionable ethics, the manuscripts might have been considered by prestigious journals (and subsequently rejected). Perhaps they would have eventually been published by those more predatory — for a princely fee. The abstracts of these studies might look a little something like this…[1]
[1] None of the experimental results have been evaluated for statistical significance. Experimental methods contain critical flaws including (but not limited to) investigator bias, lack of replicability, downright sloppy methodology et cetera. Abstracts make no attempt to comprehensively capture the novels’ themes and enduring legacies. Pithy conclusions are drawn for illustrative purposes only.
Frankenstein, Mary Shelley
‘Animal electricity: Humanoid proof of concept’, submitted to Annals of Science
V. Frankenstein, University of Ingolstadt, Kingdom of Bavaria, 1818.
Keywords: Galvanism, electrophysiology, electrochemistry
Over the last century, the generation of electrical current by chemical action has been applied to muscle tissue in animals. L. Galvani first observed the contraction of muscle tissue in frogs upon contact with electrical current in the 1780s. However, proof of “animal electricity”, the ability to animate living things through electrical power, has not yet been established. This paper presents proof of the concept of Galvanism through the (re)animation of a humanoid (“the Creature”) composed of components of deceased corpses. Reanimation was achieved by a classified technique, inspired by the works of L. Galvani, to impart life to non-living matter. Human tissue was sourced from paupers’ graves of the Cimetière des Rois in Geneva. The Creature was built to a scale of 1.5 times larger than the average man, due to the experimental limitations of replicating minute bodily structures. The author acknowledges that ethics approval of the experiment is still pending. Additionally, though due diligence was exercised to select human tissue components of favourable aesthetics, the Creature is intolerably ugly. Further observations pertaining to intelligence, demeanour and vigour are planned upon reestablishment of the whereabouts and subsequent capture of the Creature.
Faust. Der Tragödie zweiter Teil, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
‘Growing homunculi: Pilot study and application for further funding’, submitted to Philosophical Transactions
Wagner & J.G. Faust, Friedrich Schiller University Jena, 1832.
Keywords: Preformationism, Homunculus, alchemy, human conception
Preformationism is a theory of heredity that claimed that the egg (or sometimes the sperm) contained a completely preformed entity, a homunculus (Latin, ‘little man’). Foetal development therefore merely encompassed enlargement into a human being. In this study, we use a classical alchemical process to create a homunculus. We employed the mandrake method, picking the root before dawn on a Friday morning with the locational assistance of a black canine. The root was housed in a beaker and fed for forty days on milk, honey and the blood of the paper’s co-authors. The resulting entity was sentient and articulate, and engaged in extensive conversation with the demon Mephistopheles. The initiation process from homunculus to human being was truncated by the beaker smashing, resulting in its untimely demise. Due diligence would be carried out when replicating the pilot study to avoid this experimental error.
Woyzeck, Georg Büchner
‘Novel psychiatric case study: Dietary effects on mental disturbances’, submitted to Beyträge zur Beförderung einer Kurmethode auf psychischen Wege (previously reviewed and rejected by the American Journal of Psychiatry).
[Redacted], St. Georgen Hospital, Leipzig, 1836.
Keywords: Early psychiatry, psychosis, schizophrenia, delusions
The ability to treat the mind has been greatly advanced by the newly established field of medicine, “psychiatry”, by J. C. Reil at the beginning of the century. The treatment of mental disturbances of reason, however, is the domain of the psychiche Arzt (‘mental physician’), according to J.C.A. Heinroth. Experimental treatments have hitherto been carried out with residents of penitentiaries, orphanages, and hospices. This study details experimental treatment on soldier “W.” for hallucinations and delusions, a patient stationed near [redacted] who is being financially compensated for his treatment. The influence of a peas-only diet is evaluated and found to have a deleterious effect on the patient’s systems. The patient’s progression towards mental illness is evaluated in the context of his error, sin, vice, and progressive abandonment of reason following his wife’s perceived infidelity. This study suggests that military hospitals could serve as an important source for mentally disturbed patients on which to carry out even more dehumanising experiments.
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
‘Temperament of landowning agricultural labourers and the influence on farming success’, submitted to the Quarterly Journal of Agriculture.
Levin, K. D. [no affiliation], 1878.
Keywords: Agricultural management, agrarian reform, co-operative farming
The agronomic sciences are principally concerned with the influence of the climate, soil and agricultural practices for the optimal growth of crops and livestock. However, the temperament of the peasant agricultural labourer as a definite factor in farming success remains largely unexplored. In this case study, the chief landowner establishes a co-operative and profit-sharing farming model on a farming estate in the Tula Oblast area. Key points include consultation with the labourers (200 peasants) concerning means of agricultural improvement, and interesting the labourers in the success of the farm by sharing the produce. After several months of unimpressive results, a change in familial circumstances puts a halt to the experiment. Despite the landowner’s return to conventional conservative farming, the author demonstrates that the foundations have been laid for future agrarian reform based on peasant psychology: “the science of the relation of the people to the soil”.
A Clockwork Orange, Anthony Burgess
‘Elimination of violent proclivities with Ludovico Technique’, submitted to the Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis.
[Name and affiliation redacted], 1971.
Keywords: Classical conditioning, behaviour modification, aversion therapy
The Ludovico Technique (“L.T.”) is a highly promising form of aversion therapy which has achieved success in experimental studies on vertebrates, particularly rats and pigeons. This case study details the first human application of L.T. on a human subject, an incarcerated individual with an extensive history of violence. In this pilot study, the subject was subjected to thrice-weekly screenings of graphically violent audio-visual material whilst undergoing biometric monitoring (cf. heart rate, blood pressure, sweat production, and other markers of arousal) of 3 hours duration, for the period of four weeks. During the screenings, the subject was simultaneously administered with 20 mg of synthetic ipecacuanha to induce nausea. During subsequent meetings with L.T. administrators, the subject was tested with mild suggestions of violence. In response, the subject exhibited symptoms of anxiety, dyspepsia and nausea, to a similar degree to ipecacuanha treatment, no matter the mildness of the suggestion. Observation over a subsequent eight weeks suggests a complete aversion to the performance, witnessing or even conceptualisation of violence by the subject, thus rendering him completely incapable of perpetrating violent activity. The subject also developed a similar aversion to a particular musical genre, an unintended and unimportant side-effect of treatment. We therefore show that L.T. achieves successful short-to-mid-term behaviour modification and provides an efficient treatment option for the rehabilitation of violent criminals. The authors acknowledge the funding and support of Wandsworth Prison.
Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
‘Inducing morality and compliance with hypnopedia’, submitted to the British Journal of Psychology Research.
Department of Hatcheries and Conditioning, City of London, World State, Year 592.
Keywords: sleep-learning, psychological manipulation, hypnopædia
Hypnopædia, commonly referred to as sleep-learning, is the process of imparting information to a sleeping person. A longitudinal study into the use of hypnopædia on citizens of the World State city of London resulted in marked improvements in pacificity and contentment. 1000 children, aged between three to 3 years and seven months of age, were selected by lottery to establish the effects of aural hypnopædia (denoted “Hypno group”), as compared to a control group, for a duration of six years. The Hypno group were subjected to a sound recording of the morality code of the World State for a duration of five hours nightly, administered during the hours of 11:00–04:00, detailing the critical functions of communal sports, solidarity services and promiscuous sex. The control group were instead played The Complete Works of William Shakespeare in order of seminality (The Tempest, King Lear, Othello, Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, etc.). Over the course of the study, participants logged their emotions daily and were interrogated about their compliance with the morality code. In the final year or the study, only 2 per cent of the Hypno group reported independent thought, compared to 30 per cent of the control group. The Hypno group also reported higher experience of daily contentment and enjoyment, and negligible instances of anger, resentment and jealousy. When used during childhood indoctrination, hypnopædia is demonstrably effective in inducing pacificity and preventing dissidence in World State citizens. Further studies are recommended to evaluate the combinatorial benefits of hypnopædia with the daily consumption of Soma (0.25–0.5 grammes daily) to suppress unwelcome emotions.
Emma, Jane Austen
‘Failure of matchmaking attempts in upper socioeconomic classes in southern England’, submitted to British Journal of Social Psychology.
Austen, J., [no affiliation], 1816.
Keywords: English culture, social authority, socioeconomic class
In Edwardian England, the role of matchmaking in the arrangement of marriages has been difficult to determine. Traditionally, greater weight has been placed on the economic relationships of the would-be bride and groom. When performed by individuals (colloquially referred to as “busybodies”) as opposed to family-members or clerical figures, matchmaking has consistently been demonstrated to be successful in published literature. This paper details the attempt by E. Woodhouse to unite Mr. Elton and H. Smith in matrimony. Techniques used include the use of emotional blackmail to provoke desired behaviour in socially inferior friends (“double-edged speech”), the manipulation of chance meetings through deliberate falsehoods, and the misreading of innocuous statement as supposed evidence of Elton’s regard of H. Smith. The ultimate failure of E. Woodhouse’s matchmaking is attributed to the subject’s complete tone-deafness and misunderstanding of the marriage market.
